Last day at Google

I cribbed. I cried. I did not want to do it anymore. Each day was difficult. I was making it difficult for myself. It made no sense to me. I saw no purpose. It did not feel like what I was supposed to be doing. It never did.

Some days I convinced myself that I was only imagining things, that all I had to do was give it my best shot. I then tried. And for a while, I did a good job. Then the same question would engulf me. Is this all I am supposed to be doing in life? The cycle repeated itself.

When I communicated my decision to leave, I was met with mixed reactions. A few congratulated me. A few wanted to be in my shoes. Many told me I was a fool. A fool, to let go of these comforts that no other company in the world provides. It’s true, the benefits are incomparable. I had never been more physically comfortable anywhere else in my life.

A few asked what compelled me to take this decision. For me, this was a tough question to answer. Each time I tried, I came up with a different reason. And the truth is, I still don’t know what drove me to do this. Was it frustration, boredom, laziness or the fact that I now have a somewhat vague but different perspective of life? I don’t know. All I know is that I had this gut feeling that now is the time to move on, and I just went for it. I may have made a mistake. I may be doing the right thing.

I don’t know. It’s a scary thought.

The last day was not easy. It actually hit me that these great conveniences I have gotten so used to in the past 2 years and 9 months will not be a part of my life any more. No more free gourmet food, no more free cab service, no more free massages, no more free gym. I questioned myself for the first time since my decision. “Am I really being a fool?” Will I really be able to do this?

For you see, I did not leave for another great job. I did not leave to acquire a great degree like an MBA. I did not leave to start a family or spend more time with my spouse. I have no material reasons for leaving. All I know is that what I was doing was getting in the way of where I want to be. And where I want to be is by no means a position of material comfort.

For the first time in my life, I am starting with no idea of where or what I will end up being or becoming. I guess this is what it means to take a plunge in the dark. To make a free fall from the top of the mountain, not knowing what fate awaits you. I guess this is what it means to really trust. Trust your guts, your instincts. Am I a fool? Maybe I am.

My entire life until this point of time, I have spent in the pursuit of happiness. And now the time has come when I want to be able to give myself more time for the pursuit of the truth. Yes, the truth. The whole, absolute, one and only. The truth. I must know what it is.

This is my chosen destination. Will I waver from it, time to time? Yes, most probably I will. I hope I will always be reminded of it. One way, or another. Does this mean I will renounce all else? No, renunciation is not the only path. Not for now, anyway. Does this mean I will not be doing anything else? No, I am still going to take up studies in Psychology, a subject of great interest to me. I will work again at some point of time, the monetary benefits of which I have no idea about. It is just that up until now for me, everything else was mainstream and seeking the truth was on the side. Now everything else is on the side, and seeking the truth is what it is all going to be about.

Love vs.hatred

Do the actions of a select few warrant hatred towards an entire race, religion or nation of people?
This question has been nagging me for a bit. And the obvious, logical answer that occurs to me is a big NO.

And yet I see hatred around me. Here are some examples of ‘people-in-hatred’ (as I like to call them) I have met and known personally:

1. Hindus who hate Muslims
2. Muslims who hate Hindus
3. People who hate the darker-skinned
4. Muslims who hate Jews
5. Men who hate women and vice-versa
6. Brahmins who hate non-Brahmins. Vice-versa holds good too
7. Andhras who hate Telanganas and vice-versa
8. North-Indians who hate South Indians and vice-versa
9. ‘Good people’ who hate ‘Bad people’
10. Teachers who hate children and vice versa


I am not going to pretend to be a saint here. I have passionately hated as well. Sometimes even the people I love the most, I hate them from time to time.

Sometimes I hate my husband so much that it makes me want to hate all men.
Sometimes I hate my mother so much that it makes me want to hate all mothers.

I think this hate is a natural process. This hate springs from anger and being hurt. Anger and hurt towards the actions of the other person. And once this anger cools down, I begin to realize precisely that. I hate the actions, not the person. I love the person, and I always will.

My Guru says that it’s very easy to love a person when they are long gone, and very easy to hate them when they are right here in our lives.

And yet, we search for love. Our entire lives, we search for true love. We try to comprehend it, to define it. All the while, retaining a huge chunk of hatred within us.

From all the points mentioned above, I reach two conclusions as mentioned below:
1. That which pleases us, we love.
2. That which is unpleasant to us, we hate.

All the while, forgetting this: That which pleases us and that which displeases us have all sprung from the same source, the same hand of the creator, whom we all love… or at least claim to do so.

The hypocrisy of which we are guilty, it pains me. It pains me to know that I am a hypocrite.

In my weakest moments, I form judgments and opinions. In my strongest and most beautiful moments, I find within me understanding and acceptance.

In my weakest moments, I close my eyes. I see:

My husband: he does things from time to time that hurt me. Sometimes we are two opposite ends of a pole. He just cannot agree with me. I judge him. He is cold, cruel. He has no emotions, feelings. How can he claim to love me? I judge him. I hate.

A politician: the greed, the selfishness, the corruption. I see nothing but that, I judge. All the people suffering around and yet this breed of people are unmoved from their motives. I hate, I hate, I hate.

A dictator/A terrorist/A criminal: The highest form of evil in my eyes. They slay the innocent. Where are their ethics, their values? Do they have any? I judge. I hate.

In my strongest moments, I close my eyes. I see:

My husband:
Is a logical man. He does things that make sense to him. He does things that are good in the long run. Feelings do not bother him. I cannot sway him from that which makes sense. I am the illogical one. He is only being himself. I cannot judge him for that. I can only love him for that, for who he is. I see the man, a creation of nature, full of love. I see the wonderful person that he is. I understand why he is the way he is. I can accept it. I fall helplessly in love.

A politician:
I see a child growing up in utmost poverty. The only thing that works is survival of the fittest. To survive, one has to snatch, be greedy and selfish. That is the only way to avoid starvation and annihilation. The child is powerful. Able to make use of these opportunities, adapt and survive. Selfishness becomes a way of life. A way of life that has always worked.

I see a child grow up in riches. The child of the selfish, corrupt, greedy parent. The parent who has no time for anything but making more money. Growing up in that kind of environment, that’s all the child has been raised to believe. Money is everything. Cleverness and manipulation reap rich dividends. It’s not at all surprising to me if this child grows up as an imitation of the parent.

As this entire drama unfolds before me, I wonder at it all. At how these things happen. This is obviously the will of the creator. I see these children growing into adults. I can understand why they are the way they are. I can accept it. It is circumstantial. I can separate the person from their deeds. I can now love the person. And reject their deeds.

A dictator/A terrorist/A criminal:
I see a child. Father is a drunk and abuses his mother. Beats her up and the child too.
I see a child. Sexually abused at the age of 6 by the caretaker of the orphanage.
I see a child. Sold off into slavery, fingers cut off and is made to beg on the streets.
I see a child. Comes home from school happily one day to find the parents murdered in their own home.
I see a child. Sold to terrorist camps and brainwashed into believing whatever is taught.
I see a child. Living a life of abuse, terror, shock. Forced to grow up several years in a hurry and begin to behave as an adult. The severe mental trauma at a tender, innocent age causes several psychological disorders. In other words, a child whose mind has been addled.
I see a child. With these psychological disorders, growing into an adult whose view of the world can be nothing but negative. Nothing but pain and sorrow. Nothing but becoming the cause of pain and sorrow to everyone and everything around them. To this adult it is now justified. It is the right thing. It all makes sense.
I can now understand why they are the way they are. I can accept. I can love. Yes, even a terrorist. I have it in me to love.

I imagine that in the most strongest moment of my life, I can close my eyes to understand why all human beings are the way they are. Each and every one. I can accept everything. I can separate the person and their actions. Just like taking a cassette tape out of a recorder. I can separate me and my actions. I can see that fundamentally all people are exactly the same as me. It’s their life experiences and actions that make them different. When I put that aside, I can realize that everyone is like me. I know that then, I cannot help but fall hopelessly in love with all of humanity. There can be no hatred. Whatsoever.

Many times, however, I am weak. I am consumed by hatred. I wish I could be stronger.

Kahlil Gibran...

On Children


Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

at the end of it all...

My friend Baba has asked me time and again to write a post on what I want out of this life. What I want to do and where I want to be, and what my plan is. I have always avoided this due to the fear of having to sort through my many dreams and decide what I actually want to do. But maybe the time has come now...

I think a good place to start would be at the end. The end of it all - Death.

Death is inevitable, it has to be done. There is no escape. The question that occurs to me is how to die. I don't mean the exact manner, as that is not in my hands, but how to be within myself during the last moments of this life. The obvious answer that comes to me is happy. As countless other people, how I want to be within myself when I die is – Happy. Other words that come to my mind are satisfied, peaceful and without any regrets.

Now the question that arises is what if I die now. What if I die this very instant, or in the next? Or sometime in the near future? Would all the feelings I described in those words above be going on within me? Would I be able to die without regrets, at absolute peace? Somehow, I doubt that.

Sometimes, a thought crosses my mind. And that is, do I really need to have a plan? Is ambition really necessary? Let me explain why.

When I sit down to practice Yoga, my mind is full of thoughts, feelings and emotions. I’m very entangled with them, as though they were an interesting movie being played in my head. After all, these thoughts are mine and form the basis of my identity. However, on certain rare occasions, I find that I am successful at un-entangling myself from the web of thoughts. It’s like they are a cloud at the bottom of my mind and I’m floating somewhere above them, silent and observing. I am able to separate myself from these thoughts and become a mere spectator. At moments like these, I sometimes experience blackouts. No, I don’t pass out, but these are very tiny fleeting moments where everything becomes black and in that instant there are no thoughts at all whatsoever. It’s like a blank mind. As I said, however, these are very, very tiny microseconds during which the mind seems to stop and everything is blank.

What also happens during these micro-seconds is something else very amazing. I like to think of it as touching some part of the inner core of my being. Something else seems to take control, something that I would probably never be able to explain in words. As this ‘inner core’ is being touched, a sense of total bliss and happiness washes over my mind and body. A small smile begins to play on my lips and soon makes its way to a full-fledged grin. Sometimes, I even laugh out loud, the kind of laugh that comes out of relief and absolute blissfulness. Like someone told me that I never have to worry about anything ever again. All these reactions are completely involuntary. There is something very natural about this state of happiness. There is no effort involved. Sometimes I think this is the state I should be in when I die.

Coming back to the plan. The reason for me to make a plan would be to do all the things that matter to me in life, so that when I die, I can be happy.

Well this is my thought: If I can right now, right here, be sitting in one place doing nothing at all and be the happiest I have ever been, in a state of absolute bliss, then what in the world do I need a plan for?

Something for me to think about…

Having said all this, what would I want to do with my life assuming that I have a long one ahead?

Maybe I would like to work on those fleeting microseconds and try to turn them into something that lasts a few minutes, and then a few hours, and then days, and then something that’s there all the time. It makes sense, really. It’s all within. So I begin from within.

Responsibilities? No, there is no need to shirk away from them at all. That will all go on, and so will this. The only difference would be that instead of me thinking so and so needs to be accomplished for happiness, it would be that happiness is there in everything that is done, no matter what is done.

My guru says that when we stop planning, calculating, deciding and recalculating, when we just stop and let everything go, when we say it doesn’t matter, rich or poor, life or death, comfort or not... when we don’t think any more about how to live life well, when we give up our life to something higher... .. when there is no sense of want or wish...when we simply live and go on with a sense of awareness... Then life unfolds something beautiful for us, and we are taken care of... by life itself.

I don’t know if this is true or not since I haven’t really experienced this. I don’t know if this is a teaching, a philosophy, or a truth. I don’t even know if it is possible to really live this way. But I certainly feel that if life is a blank slate given to me where I am free to experiment as I please, it makes sense for me to at least try and see if this is really true. What do have I got to lose? I’m going to die someday, anyway…

a woman's dilemma...

As I sit awake in bed, pen at a piece of paper and trying to write down a schedule, my gaze wanders over to my partner. He’s sleeping like a baby, breathing peacefully. Yet, it’s only been 10 minutes since we got to bed. It’s quite a story how I got him to come here in the first place. Around a half hour ago I told him that I had some ‘feedback’ to give him about something he did. Since then, he had been avoiding coming to bed and was dozing off on the sofa. I finally figured out what was going on and promised not to say a word. He then gleefully came in and went off to never land in no time at all…

Yelling and nagging never worked with men. Apparently, honest communication doesn’t go very well with them either. Hopefully, a few hints and reminders later he’ll come around and we’ll get to talk about my feedback tomorrow. Oh, and I really don’t expect him to remember it by himself and come asking for it. I suppose it’s like a goat asking to go visit the lion’s den.

I have given up nagging now. My experience of 2.5 years in a relationship with a man tells me that no good can ever come of it, unless me getting super-upset and eventually stressed-out can be seen as a benefit. No use asking him about it though. My guess is that no man will ever naturally admit that his wife does not nag him. Men have to complain about their wives to their mates even if they have perfect ones. I have no idea why.

My Guru talks about relationships. In a nutshell, he says that all we ever do is try to extract happiness from the person we are in a relationship with. We expect the other person to do something special to make us happy. Of course, the other person isn’t exactly a happiness-giving cow, really. So obviously we are unhappy when we’re all ready with a cup to milk away some happiness all this cow can do is kick us hard in the back-side.

Well, my Guru didn’t really talk about all this cow business, that’s just my bizarre imagination at work. So, as I was trying to say in a nutshell and didn’t quite manage to, we try to extract happiness from the other person. When what we could do is learn to be happy within ourselves without the aid of anybody and simply share this joy with the person/people in our lives.

I mean, who would you rather be with anyway? The Happiness-generating-cow or the person with the empty cup.. or with the backside-kicking cow? Ok that sounds confusing. What I’m trying to say is that we would be better off generating happiness and sharing it rather than trying to extract it from others. Well, that’s what my Guru says anyway..

I’m trying to apply this to my present situation. On the one hand, this might be the only night we would get to spend together this entire week. That’s because he works by night and sleeps by day. No he’s not a superhero. Well he is MY superhero. OK that’s beside the point. The point is that it is kind of upsetting that on our only night together, he’s gone off to sleep. No goodnight kiss, no hug, not even a wink. I did get a hint of a flying-kiss though, or that’s what I imagined it to be. Sometimes men can just tune out. They cuddle when they want to, they have sex when they want to, and they go off into that mysterious ‘men-only’ land of silence where nothing you say gets through to them, when they want to. Somehow I’m getting the feeling that it’s all about him. I’m wondering what would happen if I stop communicating any of my needs to him. If I just stop asking him things or letting him know about my feelings. Would he remember anything? Would he remember that I love going out for drives, or would he remember to take me out for a movie or dinner? What would happen to our relationship if I stopped my practice of honest communication? Would he be in ‘man-heaven’? Would we be having a relationship at all…?

A little voice now tells me that I’m over reacting. So he fell asleep one night. He must be tired... does it always have to be about me? Is this what that extracting joy thing is all about? Am I the one with the empty cup here? It does look like it. As I look into my sad little cup, I feel torn. Between the easy way of just blaming it all on him and feeling sorry for myself, and the extremely tough way of accepting the situation and filling my cup by myself. It’s a very difficult decision to make. On the one hand I want to give him my silent treatment tomorrow and torture him for ignoring me tonight. On the other hand I think, would it be so bad if I just took it easy and let it go. Just give the guy a break. How happy would he feel if I just let him have his sleep without making such a big fuss over it.. After all it’s not like it’s our last night together ever. Is it really so important? Will it be so important 25 years later when we’re old and together and look back at our times as a couple? After all, that is where I want to go with this relationship. And I’m sure that he does too.

Look at him, sleeping like a baby. As a happy, smiling person, I’m able to appreciate it and feel happy for him that he’s getting some good rest. He does work so hard. And I do care about him so much…