One night, I was completely engrossed in something I was writing. M had come home from work a while ago. He’d changed and everything, and then he asked me if I could get him some warm milk. I wanted to, but I was so involved that I couldn’t stop and break the flow of thoughts. I asked him to get it himself. He didn’t mind, but he was lazy so he went to bed.
I kept asking him to go take the milk, I knew he was awake. I must have asked him a dozen times when he replied, “Stop feeling guilty and just write.” I was stunned to realize that he was right. Ever since I’d refused him, a nagging guilt had refused to leave me.
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| Photo Credit: Mattzor |
Do all women feel guilt?
M went on to tell me that he saw this in many women at his workplace, and he felt it was a major deterrent to their careers. Again he was right, I’d also met many women who would cringe and cry coming to work every morning, because they had left their babies wailing at home.
Why do women feel guilt?
I’ve been thinking about this a lot. From my limited understanding, I’ve concocted a theory of sorts.
Do we feel guilt because we’re losing touch with our femininity?
Let’s talk about feminine and masculine. No not as genders, but as qualities. As in, caring, nurturing, supportive, tenderness – feminine. Protecting, bread winning, survival instincts – masculine. This is how I understand it. A man and a woman have both the feminine and the masculine within. Each individual has different dominant characteristics. So a woman may have masculine energy, while a man may have a dominance of the feminine. It’s perfectly all right, that’s not where I’m going.
Perhaps, for those of us who feel guilty, there is a clash of the two qualities or energies or whatever you may call it, within us. Is it possible that while our feminine side beckons us to go and nurture our loved ones, our masculine nature wants us to sweat it out in the field, priding ourselves in our accomplishments?
Which then, brings me to the most important question – is there really point of balance between the two? Or will life just remain a series of events where either the masculine or feminine will dominate, only to average out in the big picture?
When you are committed to your work, whether it is to make a living or just out of passion, and your duty to your family is calling, which route do you take? Not just in the major decisions, but the small, daily ones. Is there a way of attaining perfect balance every single time?
Some would say that men need to take an equal responsibility at home, so everything is shared. I don’t think that’s the solution. Yes of course, they have to. But the chances are, even when the husband is doing the dishes while the wife works on a report, somewhere deep down inside, she actually might be feeling guilt. Maybe that’s because the feminine side of her wants to tell him to go relax while she takes care of him. While the masculine demands that she give her work the very best of her focus and dedication.
So, what is the solution here? Can the perfect balancing act ever be achieved? Has anyone ever done it before? Is guilt really a bad thing to feel? Sure it is unpleasant, but does it serve as a reminder of the things we might need to spend more time on? My theory has left me with more questions than answers.
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| Photo Credit: wonderferret |
My hunch is that there is no universal answer to all these questions. It is highly dependent upon the individual at hand. Perhaps men feel just as guilty as women do, at least we are quite vocal about everything we feel. Maybe we need to stop ourselves and look deeper, reaching the very source of the feeling. The source always makes it much easier to deal with the issue.
Thinking back on my guilt, I think I have this urgent need to become a superwoman. I expect too much of myself, and that’s an understatement. I want to keep the house spotless all the time, all the work done, clothes done, dishes done, cooking – perfect, dressing – immaculate, hair – fantabulous, body – in shape, articles – all written and beautifully at that.
I suppose I must sheepishly admit that I can accomplish all of the above, only if I miraculously gain possession of Hermione Granger’s magic wand. Maybe not even then, Miss. Granger was never good at cooking charms herself, was she?
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| Photo Credit: Petroleumjelliffe |
The answer to my guilty dilemma is quite evident, I need to learn to be easy – on myself and also the women around me. How many times have we mind-criticized the girls around us on their callous dressing, extra pounds, or inability to just get that child to stop crying? I suppose the time has come for women around the world to join hands and agree not to be so hard on each other. To stop judging each other and then feeling bad when we are judged. To stop expecting ourselves to perform the unthinkable. Maybe we just need to let up and let go.
So the next time I catch myself in the middle of a guilt-pang, I will happily remind myself that I am not wonder-woman, I do not have 10 hands, I cannot do everything at once, and that is perfectly okay!
Do you feel guilt? How do you deal with it?
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