confusion...

a: your posts sound like you're very confused..

me: well, that's what a person would say if they didn't understand..

(to myself: sometimes i am confused..)

the answer (not in exact words) : Confusion is a good thing. It's good that you are confused. It means that you are seeking to know. It's better to be confused than to conclude.. When you have experienced the pain of ignorance, you will seek to know.

i must say, i feel very glad to admit that i do not know anything about God. it's like a great burden taken off me. i do not have a stance. i do not have an opinion. i simply do not know. nor do i want to believe anything. i am just ready to experience, first hand.

dreams...

sadhguru says...

"All dreams come from your mind. dreams cannot go into your soul, if there is one. So it doesn't matter what kind of dreams you have. Whether you see god, or you see a demon in your dreams it doesn't matter. Whatever is utmost in your consciousness reflects itself. Generally, 90% of dreams are just an expression of unfulfilled desire.
Dreams always come from the mind. Do not attach too much importance to dreams. Stop dreaming and start living, it's time."

whenever i ponder over things, i come up with a question. whenever i come up with a question, it is answered within a week. such is the way with sadhguru.

last night i dreamed of my friends. friends, from college.

meenal, neetu, smitha, kirthi, deepthi. and karthik and sid and mouli. and baba..

we were at a table, eating together, talking, laughing.

just a few days back, i was telling murali.. how i wish i had been to Isha before college. so many silly things could have been avoided. now i laugh at myself. even that laugh has a different flavour to it. now it is so whole hearted..

now there is no pain. :-) anywhere. even deep down inside. in any nook or corner. truthfully.

now life is truly beautiful.

there were so many good times.. wonderful times. i don't know if i miss them or not. i don't know if i want them back. i don't know if we can have them back if even if we wanted..

my life has now come to this...

i don't know. i am happy.

the patchwork smile..

Looking into the rear view mirror of murali's bike today, i caught myself sporting a frown and drooping lips. Out of nowhere, my mom's voice popped into my head telling me to "keep a smiling face." Subconsiously, I tried to.. and then I really looked at myself in the mirror and had to laugh.. my "smiling face" looked so fake.

Then I asked murali if anyone's ever asked him to keep a smiling face. He said yes, loads of times. Mostly his dad. His dad and my mom have a lot in common.

I guess our parents or any loved ones for that matter, want to see us happy all the time. So when they see us frowning, they just say.. "Smile!" Haha.. how innocent! As if it's a magic word.. just utter it once and all the things you were worrying about a minute ago would disappear. We could just go around all the sad places in the world where there is suffering, telling everyone to "keep smiling faces." Where exactly to keep them? I have no clue.

But then again, it's not just loved ones. Almost everyone seems to have problems with a grumpy face. In college we used to call it "budda moothi".. a telugu term that I don't really think exists, i guess we coined it somewhere along the way. Having a budda moothi expression was a great crime back then, if someone was caught 'keeping' one, they had to immediately change it or face a lot of probing questions or teasing.. lol!

But seriously, my genuine concern is.. if someone looks sad, does changing the frown to a smile really change everything? Or anything at all for that matter? I just googled smile quotes and these are what I found:

"Wear a smile and have friends; wear a scowl and have wrinkles"
"A smile is a curve that sets everything straight. "
"It takes 26 muscles to smile, and 62 muscles to frown. "

..aren't these literally teaching us that no matter how we feel inside, if we smile people will be with us, everything outside will be fine and additionally, we would be using less muscles? What about what's happeing inside of us? How long does a smile last anyway, if there isn't any happiness inside to fuel it?

I suppose this is the wisdom of the ages. These quotes have decended upon us since God knows how many ages, and we keep using them blindly.

I want to start a new quote. Well I'm not so good at writing quotes, but its a thought.. and please, if it makes sense to you, make use of it and spread the thought around.

It's just this:

"When u feel like frowning, frown. When u feel like crying, cry. Don't go by what's on the face, the face is only a reflection, an indication. Look deep inside and fix what's troubling you. The frowns will change to smiles on their own."

what can i say

what i thought when i left..
and how i am right now.. what can i say..

words are failing me.. falling severely short ..
what is this that i have experienced.. what can i say..

it seems an insult, to put it into mere writings..
sacrilege, it is.. to even attempt to explain..

the Grace i was fortunate to be in the presence of..
the piercing, compassionate gaze..

devotion, hitherto unknown by me..
now floods every single cell inside of me..

Sadhguru... what can i say..



p.s. even a person as bad as me at poetry has only this means to communicate an experience such as the one i have had.. because there are just no words..

silent sojourn..

so i got another request for a topic. this one from my dear friend baba. it goes like this:

baba: crazy freaky stag

Sent at 12:04 PM on Wednesday

sumitra: crazy baba man

Sent at 12:14 PM on Wednesday

baba: hehe awesome.. i read all ur latest posts

i liked the one about music

and religion

music especially.. i can't imagine my life without music

it'd come to a grinding halt

it's the beat that wakes me up in the morning, and the melody that puts me to sleep at night.. and everything in between

so here's a topic.. write about ur goals, dreams, hopes, aspirations and ambitions.. so u have a written record.. give them timelines and mention which ones are short term and long/longer term :)

"baba: crazy freaky stag"
if ur wondering about this name that has been attributed to me, that's another story and a long one at that. need 2-3 posts to describe the whole thing, may be some day i'll sit down and do it.


so, about what baba has asked me to write. I can't write everything right now, right here. But I promise to do so in a few day's time. It's a promise to myself.

Because I'm embarking upon a journey. A journey that will hopefully answer my questions and confusions, help me see who I really am, and what it is I really need to, want to do.

A week I'll be gone. and then I'll be back, hopefully energized and ready to go. Wherever it is that I've discovered that I need to go.

Before I go, I must mention how this would have not been possible without the love and support of my dear, beloved, darling, Murali. I would have never had the courage if not for him.

So, so long. this is not goodbye.. Wish me luck for my week ahead!