EXIT

Warning: Dark post ahead. My 'lady hormones' have been acting up, and I've been kinda down lately. So, you might not want to read if you're looking for some cheer. : (

A fear of the unknown has kept me company pretty much ever since I can remember. A fear of insects also, but in a way, they're unknown too. Know what I mean?

Img Credit: blvesboy

It's hard to put a pin on exactly what I fear the most, but the one concept that I've had a hard time wrapping my mind around is Death. That's right, I fear death. Not so much dying, as death itself. I'm not afraid of the fact that my life has an expiry date, but there are other things about death that I feel highly uncomfortable with.

Like losing my loved ones, for instance. I know death is inevitable, but for some reason in my life, I haven't really lost the people I love. Yet. The only person I loved who died was my Grandfather, but I was very young and we weren't in the same country, so I didn't even see his body or his funeral. That was a surreal time, I don't think I really understood most of it. I just figured out I wouldn't be seeing him anymore on my next visit to India.  Apart from him, I haven't yet known death, up close and personal.

So that's what makes it all the more scary for me. I fear losing my family, more than anything else in the world. No, I don't go around acting like a paranoid freak, but deep down inside I have reason to believe that I am one. There are moments when I imagine what it would be like if my mom or dad or M died, what it would be like to look at their lifeless bodies, what it would be like to go through every moment of life without their company, their smiles, their frowns and their words. At times like these, I can truly feel the pain of their loss, even though they're very much still here. It's like a tight grip on my chest, a strange breathlessness, unstoppable tears. Even the person whose loss I'm mourning couldn't comfort me, because no matter what they say, I know they're going to die someday. I know that I'm the lady with the super-long life, who is ultimately going to outlive the rest and watch everyone die. It's just something I know, like knowledge I was born with. I guess I'm pretty much like Mrs. Weasley in this respect, my experience would be no different from hers if I ever encountered a Boggart in a shelf. 

But say, I were to die first. Say, I were to be inflicted with this horrible disease that would take me down slowly, one day at at time. Say, I knew I was going to die, at least a month in advance. I think about that sometimes. Oh yeah, that's kind of scary too. But I have a plan. Thankfully, I have a plan. I thought it out, and I wrote it down a long time ago. I'll share it with you today.

When the end comes, the right way to leave the body is in total awareness. This is what my Guru says. However, if I were dying now, I would be frightened of the unknown. Of leaving familiar surroundings and people and moving to an unknown place, all alone, all by myself. I fear the unknown, I fear facing it alone.

If I were to die now, I highly doubt that I would go gracefully. I would most certainly go in fear. This cannot be a good way to die.

To be able to die in awareness, I must be alone, no attachments clinging to me, nothing holding me back. I must make this clear to myself.

So what would I do, if I were told that this is the last day of my life, and by tonight, i would be gone?

Well, for starters...

No drama.

No telling anybody about it. Nothing special. No attempt for closure. No messing with the worldly possessions. No writing letters or talking to people. Most certainly, no Facebook updates.

What I would want to do instead, is to go about my day normally, performing my daily tasks and responsibilities in silence. Not with a sense of attachment, but only with a sense of love and compassion. I would try to remain aware of my every thought and action, while maintaining a distance from them. 

I would try to live my last day with a sense of devotion towards the Lord Divine, whose unknown territory I would be stepping into. Perhaps, with some reverence towards the owner of my life who would soon be coming to reclaim it from me. I would pray to the Divine, to help me make my exit in awareness. I would pray that when the final moment comes, I would not struggle to leave the body, I would not want to hold on or stay back, and that I would be able to go, happy and smiling, ready and excited for the adventure ahead. I would pray not to cry for my mother or father or M to be with me, holding my hand like they did on my first day of school, or on the day of my wedding. I would like to be brave enough to make the journey alone, for that is how we come, and that is how, we must all go.

This is the manner in which I would like to conduct my death. 

The tricky thing about this is that in all probability, I will not be given a day's notice, heck, not even a moment's notice before being frisked away. How in the world am I supposed to prepare myself then? 

The answer, my dear, is simple. This is the manner, in which you must conduct your life.

***

Time is Money!

Okay, so maybe it isn't, whatever. But I'd still like to stress that time is important and especially when it belongs to others. So, if you are one of those who waste people's time then, well, don't. Take as long as you want in the loo. Do what you want to with your hair. Stay late at work, take a shower before dinner. Hey, it's your life and it certainly is your wish. Just don't waste my time while you're at it, okay?

Granted, I'm not the most punctual of people. True, I've probably kept people waiting a few minutes too, just a few. But no way, never as blatantly as the following examples:

• Couples who, when invited for lunch will turn up at 4.30 PM. Need I rant any further?
• A person who will claim she is just 10 minutes away and will turn up after 3 freaking hours. Arghh!
• People who will invite you to go out to dinner, ask you to come over first, and then take their own sweet time showering and trying on outfits. And then when you think you're finally on the way to that much-awaited meal, they will make stops to run their errands. Double Arghh!

Seriously, I understand that younger folks take their time doing things, I understand that it takes time to get kids ready, I understand that at a certain age time doesn't seem very important. I was not very time-conscious myself when I was younger. But with age, I guess it's not so unreasonable to expect some responsibility, don't you think? At least a sense of respect for other's time and plans. 

Despite all the ranting, let me tell you that I'm actually a very, very patient person. I tend to give people second chances, and thirds and fourths, and several more after that. But then it gets too much, sometimes. Perhaps that's what I do wrong. Perhaps I need to skip giving chances and be honest the first time around. Oh, well.

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the patchwork smile..

Looking into the rear view mirror of murali's bike today, i caught myself sporting a frown and drooping lips. Out of nowhere, my mom's voice popped into my head telling me to "keep a smiling face." Subconsiously, I tried to.. and then I really looked at myself in the mirror and had to laugh.. my "smiling face" looked so fake.

Then I asked murali if anyone's ever asked him to keep a smiling face. He said yes, loads of times. Mostly his dad. His dad and my mom have a lot in common.

I guess our parents or any loved ones for that matter, want to see us happy all the time. So when they see us frowning, they just say.. "Smile!" Haha.. how innocent! As if it's a magic word.. just utter it once and all the things you were worrying about a minute ago would disappear. We could just go around all the sad places in the world where there is suffering, telling everyone to "keep smiling faces." Where exactly to keep them? I have no clue.

But then again, it's not just loved ones. Almost everyone seems to have problems with a grumpy face. In college we used to call it "budda moothi".. a telugu term that I don't really think exists, i guess we coined it somewhere along the way. Having a budda moothi expression was a great crime back then, if someone was caught 'keeping' one, they had to immediately change it or face a lot of probing questions or teasing.. lol!

But seriously, my genuine concern is.. if someone looks sad, does changing the frown to a smile really change everything? Or anything at all for that matter? I just googled smile quotes and these are what I found:

"Wear a smile and have friends; wear a scowl and have wrinkles"
"A smile is a curve that sets everything straight. "
"It takes 26 muscles to smile, and 62 muscles to frown. "

..aren't these literally teaching us that no matter how we feel inside, if we smile people will be with us, everything outside will be fine and additionally, we would be using less muscles? What about what's happeing inside of us? How long does a smile last anyway, if there isn't any happiness inside to fuel it?

I suppose this is the wisdom of the ages. These quotes have decended upon us since God knows how many ages, and we keep using them blindly.

I want to start a new quote. Well I'm not so good at writing quotes, but its a thought.. and please, if it makes sense to you, make use of it and spread the thought around.

It's just this:

"When u feel like frowning, frown. When u feel like crying, cry. Don't go by what's on the face, the face is only a reflection, an indication. Look deep inside and fix what's troubling you. The frowns will change to smiles on their own."

Voting Blues..

Each time I get to glance at my left hand, the streak of ink across my forefinger makes me feel proud of myself. No, I didn't do anything super-natural or out of this world. But I did do something that can make a tiny small, difference. I cast my vote!!

Not that it was a very smooth experience. I guess that's what makes me even more happy to have managed the feat. When we reached the polling station, we were asked to check for our names and get the polling slips after which we could vote. Much to our disappointment,we found the sheets containing the names of voters were strewn all over the place, even on the ground. Not only was there no one to organize the sheets and hand them out in order, the public who had gathered there were making matters much worse by shouting their heads off. For a moment it seemed to me as though I could never find my name in that mess. I thought that my desire to vote would not be fulfilled after all. However, we did pick up some papers and started to search and thankfully after a while and some difficulty we were able to find our names. Thank God! After that everything was pretty simple. There wasn't even much of a queue.

I did feel bad and am still feeling that way for one thing, though. When I saw that mess, I did feel a bit irritated like the rest of the voters gathered there. However, after a few minutes, I realized that people were just whining for nothing. True, there were no volunteers or officials to look over the matter, but it was a pretty simple administrative job. I thought it would have taken me no time to round up some volunteers, pick up all the papers and sort them out according to the numbers so the people coming next would find it easier. After all, don't I have that much responsibility towards my own city?

I really wanted to, but I couldn't do it. I don't know if that's what is called cowardice, but one look at the angry mob frightened me. I felt that if I tried to put sense into these people, they would have had my head for it. The fact that no one was doing anything and just cribbing is so reflective of the problems our country is still facing these days.. And its even more disappointing to me that I could do nothing but watch.

I guess I need some serious lessons in courage. Or guts.. or whatever. Where do you get them from anyway?