EXIT

Warning: Dark post ahead. My 'lady hormones' have been acting up, and I've been kinda down lately. So, you might not want to read if you're looking for some cheer. : (

A fear of the unknown has kept me company pretty much ever since I can remember. A fear of insects also, but in a way, they're unknown too. Know what I mean?

Img Credit: blvesboy

It's hard to put a pin on exactly what I fear the most, but the one concept that I've had a hard time wrapping my mind around is Death. That's right, I fear death. Not so much dying, as death itself. I'm not afraid of the fact that my life has an expiry date, but there are other things about death that I feel highly uncomfortable with.

Like losing my loved ones, for instance. I know death is inevitable, but for some reason in my life, I haven't really lost the people I love. Yet. The only person I loved who died was my Grandfather, but I was very young and we weren't in the same country, so I didn't even see his body or his funeral. That was a surreal time, I don't think I really understood most of it. I just figured out I wouldn't be seeing him anymore on my next visit to India.  Apart from him, I haven't yet known death, up close and personal.

So that's what makes it all the more scary for me. I fear losing my family, more than anything else in the world. No, I don't go around acting like a paranoid freak, but deep down inside I have reason to believe that I am one. There are moments when I imagine what it would be like if my mom or dad or M died, what it would be like to look at their lifeless bodies, what it would be like to go through every moment of life without their company, their smiles, their frowns and their words. At times like these, I can truly feel the pain of their loss, even though they're very much still here. It's like a tight grip on my chest, a strange breathlessness, unstoppable tears. Even the person whose loss I'm mourning couldn't comfort me, because no matter what they say, I know they're going to die someday. I know that I'm the lady with the super-long life, who is ultimately going to outlive the rest and watch everyone die. It's just something I know, like knowledge I was born with. I guess I'm pretty much like Mrs. Weasley in this respect, my experience would be no different from hers if I ever encountered a Boggart in a shelf. 

But say, I were to die first. Say, I were to be inflicted with this horrible disease that would take me down slowly, one day at at time. Say, I knew I was going to die, at least a month in advance. I think about that sometimes. Oh yeah, that's kind of scary too. But I have a plan. Thankfully, I have a plan. I thought it out, and I wrote it down a long time ago. I'll share it with you today.

When the end comes, the right way to leave the body is in total awareness. This is what my Guru says. However, if I were dying now, I would be frightened of the unknown. Of leaving familiar surroundings and people and moving to an unknown place, all alone, all by myself. I fear the unknown, I fear facing it alone.

If I were to die now, I highly doubt that I would go gracefully. I would most certainly go in fear. This cannot be a good way to die.

To be able to die in awareness, I must be alone, no attachments clinging to me, nothing holding me back. I must make this clear to myself.

So what would I do, if I were told that this is the last day of my life, and by tonight, i would be gone?

Well, for starters...

No drama.

No telling anybody about it. Nothing special. No attempt for closure. No messing with the worldly possessions. No writing letters or talking to people. Most certainly, no Facebook updates.

What I would want to do instead, is to go about my day normally, performing my daily tasks and responsibilities in silence. Not with a sense of attachment, but only with a sense of love and compassion. I would try to remain aware of my every thought and action, while maintaining a distance from them. 

I would try to live my last day with a sense of devotion towards the Lord Divine, whose unknown territory I would be stepping into. Perhaps, with some reverence towards the owner of my life who would soon be coming to reclaim it from me. I would pray to the Divine, to help me make my exit in awareness. I would pray that when the final moment comes, I would not struggle to leave the body, I would not want to hold on or stay back, and that I would be able to go, happy and smiling, ready and excited for the adventure ahead. I would pray not to cry for my mother or father or M to be with me, holding my hand like they did on my first day of school, or on the day of my wedding. I would like to be brave enough to make the journey alone, for that is how we come, and that is how, we must all go.

This is the manner in which I would like to conduct my death. 

The tricky thing about this is that in all probability, I will not be given a day's notice, heck, not even a moment's notice before being frisked away. How in the world am I supposed to prepare myself then? 

The answer, my dear, is simple. This is the manner, in which you must conduct your life.

***