May 9, 2011

Doing Nothing...

So it's been over six months since I went to work. This is so far the biggest break I've ever taken.

When I think about this, my mind immediately jumps to list out accomplishments. Taking stock of what I have done, could have done, should have done, and so on. Makes up lines to tell people in case they ask me what I've been up to. I've got to have something to show for all these months.

It's not like I haven't been doing anything, but even that doesn't seem enough. Just to see that time has passed seems scary. And yet, it's funny to recall that even when I was working I always felt the same way. I would always look back at the past 6 months to 1 year to list out and assess everything that I've done.

It's weird how I crave for a vacation, but when I do get the chance to do nothing at all, some strange sense of guilt creeps up in to me. Like, I could have made some constructive use of my day in which I had nothing else to do. Sounds so screwed up to me.

I have longed for the time when I could finish up all my responsibilities in a few hours and be free for the rest of the day. And now that I am in a place like that in my life, finally, I think I have to make use of these hours. Maybe I should take this opportunity to work on that list of books I've been meaning to read. Maybe I should take up painting, or sketching. Maybe I should brush up on my singing skills. Maybe I should get more fit. Or start writing a book.

And there are so many things to do like these and no matter how many I do, it never seems enough. It's not even like any of these activities are truly productive, anyway. So what if I read a book, or learned to sing or trekked up a mountain? It's not exactly helping world peace along or anything.

Whatever happened to doing nothing for no one's sake at all. Was there ever such a concept?

I wonder what it feels like to be alone, and have nothing to do at all. No books, no movies, no internet, no hobbies, no newspapers, nothing. Why is it such an uncomfortable feeling to even consider? If none of these were there, I would probably still get up and go for a walk. Go out and shop. Or jog or run. Something always has to be done.

I would like to know what it feels like to enjoy doing nothing. Simply enjoy. Being here, being alive. No guilt or any other feelings about what I should be doing next. Not just during those 15 minutes or so of meditation. But for a whole day. Just enjoy. Not what I'm doing or where I'm going, but simply enjoy the day.

I think that's my next big project :D