Sep 27, 2010

Last day at Google

I cribbed. I cried. I did not want to do it anymore. Each day was difficult. I was making it difficult for myself. It made no sense to me. I saw no purpose. It did not feel like what I was supposed to be doing. It never did.

Some days I convinced myself that I was only imagining things, that all I had to do was give it my best shot. I then tried. And for a while, I did a good job. Then the same question would engulf me. Is this all I am supposed to be doing in life? The cycle repeated itself.

When I communicated my decision to leave, I was met with mixed reactions. A few congratulated me. A few wanted to be in my shoes. Many told me I was a fool. A fool, to let go of these comforts that no other company in the world provides. It’s true, the benefits are incomparable. I had never been more physically comfortable anywhere else in my life.

A few asked what compelled me to take this decision. For me, this was a tough question to answer. Each time I tried, I came up with a different reason. And the truth is, I still don’t know what drove me to do this. Was it frustration, boredom, laziness or the fact that I now have a somewhat vague but different perspective of life? I don’t know. All I know is that I had this gut feeling that now is the time to move on, and I just went for it. I may have made a mistake. I may be doing the right thing.

I don’t know. It’s a scary thought.

The last day was not easy. It actually hit me that these great conveniences I have gotten so used to in the past 2 years and 9 months will not be a part of my life any more. No more free gourmet food, no more free cab service, no more free massages, no more free gym. I questioned myself for the first time since my decision. “Am I really being a fool?” Will I really be able to do this?

For you see, I did not leave for another great job. I did not leave to acquire a great degree like an MBA. I did not leave to start a family or spend more time with my spouse. I have no material reasons for leaving. All I know is that what I was doing was getting in the way of where I want to be. And where I want to be is by no means a position of material comfort.

For the first time in my life, I am starting with no idea of where or what I will end up being or becoming. I guess this is what it means to take a plunge in the dark. To make a free fall from the top of the mountain, not knowing what fate awaits you. I guess this is what it means to really trust. Trust your guts, your instincts. Am I a fool? Maybe I am.

My entire life until this point of time, I have spent in the pursuit of happiness. And now the time has come when I want to be able to give myself more time for the pursuit of the truth. Yes, the truth. The whole, absolute, one and only. The truth. I must know what it is.

This is my chosen destination. Will I waver from it, time to time? Yes, most probably I will. I hope I will always be reminded of it. One way, or another. Does this mean I will renounce all else? No, renunciation is not the only path. Not for now, anyway. Does this mean I will not be doing anything else? No, I am still going to take up studies in Psychology, a subject of great interest to me. I will work again at some point of time, the monetary benefits of which I have no idea about. It is just that up until now for me, everything else was mainstream and seeking the truth was on the side. Now everything else is on the side, and seeking the truth is what it is all going to be about.