Sep 27, 2010

Last day at Google


I cribbed. I cried. I did not want to do it anymore. Each day was difficult. I was making it difficult for myself. It made no sense to me. I saw no purpose. It did not feel like what I was supposed to be doing. It never did.

Some days I convinced myself that I was only imagining things, that all I had to do was give it my best shot. I then tried. And for a while, I did a good job. Then the same question would engulf me. Is this all I am supposed to be doing in life? The cycle repeated itself.

When I communicated my decision to leave, I was met with mixed reactions. A few congratulated me. A few wanted to be in my shoes. Many told me I was a fool. A fool, to let go of these comforts that no other company in the world provides. It’s true, the benefits are incomparable. I had never been more physically comfortable anywhere else in my life.

A few asked what compelled me to take this decision. For me, this was a tough question to answer. Each time I tried, I came up with a different reason. And the truth is, I still don’t know what drove me to do this. Was it frustration, boredom, laziness or the fact that I now have a somewhat vague but different perspective of life? I don’t know. All I know is that I had this gut feeling that now is the time to move on, and I just went for it. I may have made a mistake. I may be doing the right thing.

I don’t know. It’s a scary thought.

The last day was not easy. It actually hit me that these great conveniences I have gotten so used to in the past 2 years and 9 months will not be a part of my life any more. No more free gourmet food, no more free cab service, no more free massages, no more free gym. I questioned myself for the first time since my decision. “Am I really being a fool?” Will I really be able to do this?

For you see, I did not leave for another great job. I did not leave to acquire a great degree like an MBA. I did not leave to start a family or spend more time with my spouse. I have no material reasons for leaving. All I know is that what I was doing was getting in the way of where I want to be. And where I want to be is by no means a position of material comfort.

For the first time in my life, I am starting with no idea of where or what I will end up being or becoming. I guess this is what it means to take a plunge in the dark. To make a free fall from the top of the mountain, not knowing what fate awaits you. I guess this is what it means to really trust. Trust your guts, your instincts. Am I a fool? Maybe I am.

My entire life until this point of time, I have spent in the pursuit of happiness. And now the time has come when I want to be able to give myself more time for the pursuit of the truth. Yes, the truth. The whole, absolute, one and only. The truth. I must know what it is.

This is my chosen destination. Will I waver from it, time to time? Yes, most probably I will. I hope I will always be reminded of it. One way, or another. Does this mean I will renounce all else? No, renunciation is not the only path. Not for now, anyway. Does this mean I will not be doing anything else? No, I am still going to take up studies in Psychology, a subject of great interest to me. I will work again at some point of time, the monetary benefits of which I have no idea about. It is just that up until now for me, everything else was mainstream and seeking the truth was on the side. Now everything else is on the side, and seeking the truth is what it is all going to be about.

14 comments:

  1. Wow....all the best to ya Sumz...How does a regression therapist sound???
    Read 'The Rozabal line'...is a fiction book..but some concepts are out of the world!!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Wow...Sounds like mirror image to what I've done. I quit my job because they are making me lazy. BIGGG salary and no work. I am not sure why I did it either. Could be because of frustration, tired of being Lazy or I may be Guilty.. Anyway, I wish you all the best !

    ReplyDelete
  3. For me... it was pure frustration!! Frustration of working with total idiots who had no idea why they existed in Dell.

    ReplyDelete
  4. As Steve Jobs said "Leaving Apple was the best things that ever happened to me. I could start with a new slate , write my life whichever way I want." May this be true in your case too and you find the purpose you have been looking for. All the best!

    ReplyDelete
  5. good luck :) and don't worry.. once you're out it's much easier. with each passing day I'm more sure it could not be any other way :)

    ReplyDelete
  6. Dude, who cares?
    Do what you have to do. Whooohooo, partay!!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Welcome aboard mate! Good to read your experiences..Have you moved to the ashram full-time?? Maybe i will meet you sometime!

    ReplyDelete
  8. @ A.J.: thanks :-) no, I haven't moved to the ashram. i was there recently for a week. perhaps next time our paths will cross.

    ReplyDelete
  9. What are you up to now? :)

    ReplyDelete
  10. Dear Blogger,

    I came here through Raj's blog, which I visit frequently and leave comments for my unknown blogger brother. Clicked around and finally came to this post. At first, I read the post thinking it will be your last day 'of using Google search'. But the profundity of your thought stumped me. I do get a sense of deja vu when reading your account.

    For starters, I feel you should be change your blog name to 'I feel, I blog' because there is so much of your inner feelings that you expressed so well (in this post atleast).

    Life, as we know it, is changing fast and furious. Its not an age of slow paced leisure anymore - it moves so fast that it creates an aberration in our minds. There are a few that can keep pace, most that keep struggling to catch up and a very few who just can't take it anymore. I have met a handful who are on the verge of taking 'seemingly stupid decisions like the one you have done' but, trust me, its the need of the hour. If we keep dancing to the music of this world, we will all become machines one day.

    I pray the truth that you seek, dawns upon you.. and through you shines a bit of its light on others too.

    ~Vikas.

    ReplyDelete
  11. @Vikas: Wow, that is a beautifully worded comment. Thank you! I hadn't read this post of mine in a while and now, a year later you've brought me back to it. Reminded me of a few things that I had forgotten, and made me realize a few things that I had indeed managed to achieve. My journey in the past year has been an interesting one, and I can safely say that this 'stupid' decision of mine was not so stupid after all. :-) Thanks again!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Hi Sumitra,
    I came to this post just by chance but I loved the enigma that you subjected yourself to by just unfettering yourself from present bonds and walking into the darkness of the unknown. I had read recently a comment from a 12th century christian saint, "When the soul's longing for the divine gets very strong, it decides to move out of its home of intellect and moves into the realm of faith. At this point, it has to leave its intellect behind and suddenly finds itself in a dark world. This is a darkness that does not scare it but gives it peace. Its the darkness that envelops the world of God. One needs to cross the darkness to see the light beyond.. "

    Thanks for this beautiful post and I shall visit again to read more such stuff from you.

    BTW, I saw your other blog on the baking stuff. The dishes look absolutely delectable. I am not a cooking enthusiast myself, but in case you have a bakery somewhere, I would love to come and grab a bite! :)

    ~Vikas.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I read this post a long time ago. But, today I came back to it. I google searched your blog (oh, the irony) to find this specific post. I'm currently in the state you describe here and your post has been an inspiration. I'm not sure if I have the courage yet to make it all the way. But, for now, this post will be on my mind and this will be a driving force for the decision I ultimately make.

    Thank you for being so transparent.

    ReplyDelete